One of those mothers

I used to pride myself on not being on of those mothers. You know the ones.  The ones that won’t let you go until they’ve shown you all of their phone photo album which contains an endless stream of identical photographs of their offspring. The ones who can talk for a solid half hour about what Juliet did in her potty last week.  Those mothers who will derail all and any kind of conversational topic you might want to bring up in order to tell you – in devastatingly lengthy detail – about their recent experience with their new pediatric dermatologist.  Or worst of all, those mothers who will sing full stanzas of Barney songs, at top volume… out in public.  I haven’t yet started to sing kid’s tunes in public, but I fear I am not far off.  Something happened to me recently regarding motherhood and I’m not sure what it was.  Maybe I just finally woke up after being in two years of survival mode/shock after my ex husband walked off with a twenty four year old blonde (I mention that she was 24 and a blonde a lot don’t I) and realized what an awesome kid I’ve got. 

Whatever has happened, the result is that I’m finding myself turning into one of those mothers.  And seeing as none of my friends or colleagues have kids I’m probably annoying the crap out of everyone.  They probably thought, with relief, that I was ‘cool.’ I was the one mom they knew who hadn’t become obsessed with her child’s bowel movements.    But now I am beginning to see why parents hang out mostly just with other parents.  No one else can stand to be around us as we continually clap trap on about how divinely cute and interesting our children are.  BB does a good job of listening to my continual clucking. In fact he even joins in and makes good points of his own: ‘Look how his language has developed this week – there are now three more unintelligible sounds he’s making! Look how he almost didn’t drop the ball just then!’  He always agrees with me wholeheartedly when I tell him how adorable Finn is.  He even bought a parenting book about toddlers in order to read up on the whole thing! Who knows maybe the real reason mummyhood has suddenly become a bundle of fun is because I have someone to share it with. Whatever the reason, even though these days I’ve become a bore, I am a very happy bore.

Regarding motherhood, they may not have told you that…

1. Unless you isolate your kid permanently in Michael Jackson-style oxygen chamber he will get sick and you get to pick up a good portion of the sicknesses too.

2. When you are sick – you have to keep being a mother – yes, even when you have a temperature of 103…

3. Taking your kid in and out of car seat will cause you to break into a thorough sweat.  As you will probably do this many times a day, be prepared to get sweaty. Very sweaty.

4. Your kid will wrestle with you every time it’s time to change his diaper and this will result in him, you, your work clothes, your hair, your bra and most of the changing mat becoming covered in poo.

5. When you go out with your little one and everyone smiles at him – you are obliged to dreamily smile back – even if you’ve only had 40 minutes sleep over the past three days.

6. The signal that your kid has finished dinner is that he will start to pick it up and throw it at you, the cat, the sofa, the TV.  I recommend wooden flooring throughout.

7. The ample supply of clichéd and out dated advice from well-meaning individuals that you received when you were pregnant won’t stop after you’ve given birth.

8. You just won’t love your pets as much.  Sorry Mr. Pickle Pants.

9. No one else’s kid will be as cute, funny or smart as yours.

10. You’ll love your kid so much that every time you look at them sleeping you feel like someone just kicked you in the chest…

 I love you Finny boy!

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